No matter the instructions, the outcome remained the same: God spoke. I disobeyed. Satan won.
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If I obey God and the result of my obedience isn’t welcomed by others, overflowing in success, plentiful in opportunity, abounding in favor, etc., I tell myself, “I must’ve misunderstood God’s instructions.”
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While watching the women in my family taught me perseverance, it didn’t teach me how to rest.
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As I discussed the situation with family and friends over the next few days, I discovered an open wound that I’ve unknowingly been carrying since 5th grade.
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It was a much needed reality check that the teenage boy I’d fallen in love with was a distant memory. It was time for me to acknowledge, even mourn, who my husband and I were, to appreciate who we are becoming.
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Because I always finish what I start, admitting defeat was very difficult. But it’s better to surrender, retreat, and try again, than to get beat up and still lose the fight.
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So, for the first few days of January, I started looking for a word. Every powerful thing I heard, watched or read, I tried to make it my word for the year.
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There were moments of tears, exhaustion, anxiety, sadness, pain, betrayal, sickness, and grief, but God is faithful. I survived it!
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There have even been at least three occasions I’ve told God, “I don’t care what you say. I’m sick of this, I’m saying something today. Enough is enough.”
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After some time, the members began to recognize me as Marcus’ wife. However, no one really knew me because I remained cordial, but not engaging.
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Whenever I’m in a downward spiral about the timeline of my life, the Spirit always confronts me with the question of who am I measuring my timeline against.
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It was as if I was having an outer body experience, watching a version of me enjoying a vacation.
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Although I traveled to these places for either business or personal, every trip had one thing in common: Each destination was prepared for my arrival.
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Did I say enough? Did I do enough? Did I miss any warning signs? Where was my discernment? Did I miss opportunities to follow up or reach out? And why did God allow this to happen?
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By hoping the enemy would leave me alone because I ignore him or because I don’t antagonize him, it’s possible that I’ve invited some demonic access and manifestations into my life. By being afraid to confront the enemy, I’ve likely left some areas of my life vulnerable and without a defense.
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God, you said a lot of things that week to not have given me any specific details. Why do you have to be so elusive? Do you want me to follow your perfect will or not? If so, then just tell me what you want me to do!
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Because the truth is, if I have to go outside His will to get it, I’ll have to stay outside His will to keep it.
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Dear Satan, you’ve tried to discourage me over the last week. You’ve tried to convince me to focus on my expectations. You’ve tried to distract me from what really matters most when it comes to ministry, but my “Yes” still stands.
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I kept trying to offer other types of sacrifice but He’d already made it clear what He wanted. So eventually, I said “Yes” to His will and neglected mine. And my life has not been the same.
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Now, that sounds good but I definitely got off track in February and didn’t get back on track until December after a much needed fast from my personal social media accounts. And now that the new year is around the corner, my theme for 2022 is, “New Year, Same Focus.”
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