The Inner-Me
Beginning each month with a therapy session has become my custom. I like to use the takeaways and/or homework from that session to inform the rest of the month.
Like months past, I began February with a therapy session. However, this has been a month of self-discovery like none other. I left my therapy session on February 7th knowing I had a decision to make about a project I’d launched because of what “they” said I should do, versus seeking God about what He wanted me to do. My therapist explained that starting that project seemed to be my attempt to “save the world” instead of staying in the ministry lane God designed for me. And as a result, I’d created dependent relationships that I couldn’t bear or support.
It hurt me to hear that although I was doing a good thing, it wasn’t a God thing in this season. A week later, after praying and talking to a few people in my inner circle, I ended the project. Although the loss cost me $1,400, I immediately felt a sense of relief. It was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I finally had peace.
Ending the project and losing the money was the easy part. The hard part was admitting that if I continued the project, I would be doing it without the help of the Holy Spirit. And because I always finish what I start, admitting defeat was very difficult. But it’s better to surrender, retreat, and try again, than to get beat up and still lose the fight.
After that, I thought I’d completed my self-work for the month. We were two weeks into February and I was already tired with what I’d discovered about myself in such a short period of time. But then, February 19th came.
After a wonderful Sunday morning worship service, one of the ministers came to me after church with a Word from the Lord. The Word made me feel seen, gave voice and words to feelings I’ve been trying to explain to my therapist, and made me excited about what’s to come. And still, I left hearing that Word feeling afraid.
The enemy isn’t my only critic. The inner-me can also act as a critic, reminding me of how my reality contradicts God’s promise. To overcome this, I’ve been actively deciphering my negative thoughts. I’ve also been working to track down the cause of the negative thought or emotion. The goal is to better recognize when the inner-me is overcome with negativity so I can quickly address it before it takes up space and takes root.
February has been an eyeopener, I can’t wait until my March therapy appointment to unload!