No matter the instructions, the outcome remained the same: God spoke. I disobeyed. Satan won.
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As I discussed the situation with family and friends over the next few days, I discovered an open wound that I’ve unknowingly been carrying since 5th grade.
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It was a much needed reality check that the teenage boy I’d fallen in love with was a distant memory. It was time for me to acknowledge, even mourn, who my husband and I were, to appreciate who we are becoming.
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So, for the first few days of January, I started looking for a word. Every powerful thing I heard, watched or read, I tried to make it my word for the year.
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There were moments of tears, exhaustion, anxiety, sadness, pain, betrayal, sickness, and grief, but God is faithful. I survived it!
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There have even been at least three occasions I’ve told God, “I don’t care what you say. I’m sick of this, I’m saying something today. Enough is enough.”
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After some time, the members began to recognize me as Marcus’ wife. However, no one really knew me because I remained cordial, but not engaging.
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Whenever I’m in a downward spiral about the timeline of my life, the Spirit always confronts me with the question of who am I measuring my timeline against.
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It was as if I was having an outer body experience, watching a version of me enjoying a vacation.
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By hoping the enemy would leave me alone because I ignore him or because I don’t antagonize him, it’s possible that I’ve invited some demonic access and manifestations into my life. By being afraid to confront the enemy, I’ve likely left some areas of my life vulnerable and without a defense.
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God, you said a lot of things that week to not have given me any specific details. Why do you have to be so elusive? Do you want me to follow your perfect will or not? If so, then just tell me what you want me to do!
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Because the truth is, if I have to go outside His will to get it, I’ll have to stay outside His will to keep it.
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I kept trying to offer other types of sacrifice but He’d already made it clear what He wanted. So eventually, I said “Yes” to His will and neglected mine. And my life has not been the same.
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Now, that sounds good but I definitely got off track in February and didn’t get back on track until December after a much needed fast from my personal social media accounts. And now that the new year is around the corner, my theme for 2022 is, “New Year, Same Focus.”
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The Bible states that God “tested” Abraham (Genesis 22:1). The Hebrew word for tested is nissah, which translates to mean “to provide the quality of” not “to entice to do wrong.”
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The internal war was so great at times, I thought it would be best to give up. I even practiced the response I would give when our parents asked why I wanted a divorce. I was going to say, “I did it but it didn’t work for us. At least we tried.”
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Although I intend to build and create all the things God has designed for me to do, I don’t want to neglect one of the first things He called me to be: a wife.
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We’re willing to give multiple chances to everyone and everything else but the first time God doesn’t do as expected, we give up on Him.
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“What am I supposed to pray about?” And, “How long should I continue praying about it?”
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January 1, 2020, Superman and I found out I was pregnant. Given our previous experiences, I was cautiously excited but very surprised.
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