I got the keys!

I’ve been beating myself up over the last few weeks because I’m currently repeating a spiritual test that I’ve taken before.

Initially, I assumed I’m retaking the test because I failed it the first time. And the more and more I examine the first time I took the test, I keep reaching the same conclusion: The first test likely resulted in failure because I didn’t know it was a test. I thought it was just another trial I was experiencing, not a destiny-changing life event.

So, here we are again. Same test. Same context. Same circumstances. Same time of year. Everything is the same, even down to one unique, specific detail: I’m pregnant. Fortunately, I was forewarned about this test. I didn’t know exactly which area(s) of my life would be tested, but I knew a test was coming. Before 2024 had even begun, I had several dreams warning me of impending spiritual warfare.

And yet, I would’ve never imagined that “this” is what the Lord was showing me beforehand.

Once the initial shock about retaking this test wore off, I felt hopeful about passing it because it was familiar. I thought by simply adding and addressing a few things that I didn’t say or do when I took the test four years ago, would grant me speedy success this time around.

Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.

The number of distractions and strategic demonic activity that has occurred to keep me from ending this test has been unreal. In fact, I told God the other day that the only logical, intelligent, mentally safe decision to make is to “Walk away” from the test altogether.

And I’ve hidden this option in the depths of my heart, knowing that if I walk away and disobey, God will forgive me. Still, my immediate response to this test has been obedience because I don’t want to disappoint God.

As I’ve been going back and forth between these two options this month, another reason that may explain why I’m repeating this spiritual test came to me. Perhaps the need for a retest isn’t because of failure. Perhaps I am repeating this test because I now know the answer, equipping me with the ability to perform better than I did last time. Think about it, retaking a test offers the advantage of knowing what you did wrong the first time, then being given the chance to choose better next time.

However, when the testing period didn’t end after I selected a choice different than the one I selected the first time, I was confused. I was sure that was the whole purpose of retaking this test! And even worse, I’ve been telling myself that I’m not useful to God in this area until I pass this test. So I’ve been examining this retest from every angle trying to understand what I missed.

It was until this week that I realized that the Lord doesn’t have to wait until I pass the test. He can use me now because now I have the answer key!

Moses didn’t have any evidence beforehand that he could successfully deliver the Israelites from Egypt. But he had the answer key. Growing up in Egypt, he knew the lay of the land, making him the perfect candidate to lead others out of the land. Growing up in the palace, he’d acquired honor and respect from leadership, making him the perfect candidate to go before Pharaoh without arousing suspicion. Growing up separate from his faith, perhaps he trusted God more because he wasn’t as indoctrinated, making him the perfect leader to trust and believe God.

As ready as I am for this test to be over, the longer Moses lived as an Egyptian, the more knowledge he gained, and the more intel he acquired. So, the first test didn't just give me knowledge along with the answer key, it also granted me access.

So, I’m not retaking this test as an act of punishment. I’m not even retaking this test because of repeated failed attempts. No, I’m retaking this test because the Lord is going to use me as a deliverer, in His timing, who will be capable of delivering others from bondage and leading them into the promise land. I won’t just know that there is a way, I will know the way.