Hiding in Plain Sight
I think I have some form of PTSD.
No, I haven’t been officially diagnosed but after a quick Google search, I realized I exhibit a few symptoms from time to time. For example, I consciously avoid situations that bring back memories of the spiritual, emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced in church because it set the need for my religious detox. Additionally, I’ve had heightened reactions at the hint, or mere suggestion, of being put in similar situations in church. And as a result, it seems I’ve subconsciously decided to hide in plain sight.
To hide in plain sight means to remain unseen despite being in full, unrestricted view. It’s to be unnoticeable, by staying visible in a setting that masks your presence. For months I attended our new church and sat on the third row near the front. I was always visible and actively participating in the worship experience. After some time, the members began to recognize me as Marcus’ wife. However, no one really knew me because I remained cordial, but not engaging.
Months after becoming a member, I intentionally joined two ministries that didn’t require me to be seen. l believed I could serve the ministries faithfully and humbly, without having to exhaust so much spiritual bandwidth. It was the perfect recipe for me to serve in church, without having to reveal all that’s within me.
I decided to take this route because I’ve recently realized, and accepted, that my calling takes up a lot of space. My purpose is visible, requires me to be in front and seen, and it’s easily detected by others. My ministry requires others to make room or space for it to be experienced. Even when I don’t intend it, my gifts ooze out of me. People have pointed it out in the words I’ve written and the way I speak. So, in an effort to remain incognito at our new church, and to be seen as a regular lay member, I hid in plain sight.
And my plan was working until our Pastor’s wife called me out, privately, TWICE. And because I don’t need a third warning from the Lord regarding this, here’s what I’m doing to come out of hiding:
Acknowledge the reason I’ve been hiding. Being aware of the reason(s) I want to hide or avoid specific situations allows me to address the anxiety directly when it arises.
Decide that the world needs my voice NOW. Accepting that the Lord has given me something to say and do, for such a time as this, encourages me to take advantage of every God-given opportunity offered to me.
Show up, even in small ways. Learning to obey God in the small things builds my faith and trust to obey Him quickly in the big things.
That fact is that by intentionally trying to conceal what God has given me to share with others, is a form of self-oppression. And it’s one thing to be oppressed by others, but it’s a whole other thing to be cruel to myself. And I love me too much to harm myself. Besides, there’s nothing holy about hiding.